….I just have to put it in a lot of small bags and make more trips. You all know how it is: we guys don’t really want the world to help us with all the little things, so we compensate in our own ways so that we can continue with life to the fullest, our present fullest, ever changing. Life is a constant process of self discovery.

We are truly the educators of the unknowing, constantly forging backward to previously chartered waters. Last week I was able to successfully carry two rolls of paper towels and a loaf of bread in a plastic bag with handles up the stairs in only one trip.

Over the last few years I have had to modify some thinking and actions in order to continue to carry my weight. Here are some things I do that might be helpful for you in the future as you go about the business of life. Notice the importance of the order below, and remember to keep priorities in order so that you can take care of the important things first.

• For Beer: I know that the case of either 18 or 24 loose cans is cheaper: I know that it tastes better in bottles. But please, will you put that case of beer, the one with four (4) six-packs in cans will be better, in the front seat of my car, on the seat please, not on the floor. The lady who puts it in the car for me probably thinks I’m one of those guys like in the movie "Rainman" who has to have things exactly the same each and every time. But she tolerates me now after these last few years.
• For 40 # of Ice: For the cookout with the family we need to have sufficient ice for keeping the beer cold as well as for iced tea and sodas. There’s a 40# bag right there on top of the 8# bags below. "Excuse me, but can you assist me with some ice?" I ask after the beer is in the car. "No, I really like the taste of the ice better in the smaller bags. It’s fresher and not melted together in a 15# block like in the big bags. Yes, I realize that it costs more for the smaller bags. You’re right: those five small bags weigh the same as the one large bag!" Duh!
• For Groceries: "Remember me? I’m the guy who likes the brown paper bags with the handles. That’s fine with the half gallon of milk and 2 rolls of toilet paper. No, no more in that one: the paper rolls will get squashed and won’t roll properly." Then the Assistant Manager gets into the act by bagging for the cashier. "Thanks, but I did see the sale on the giant super saver size of detergent, but the stuff they put in the 24 oz. bottle works better" I tell him. Amazed, he replies that he thought it was all the same stuff.
• For Gasoline for the car: The self service pumps everywhere are all not the same. If I can get the gas cap off with one hand, it’s a good day: most days are bad ones. The pump nozzles and the anti-pollution fume recapture devices add enough weight to the hose that by this time next year it will be impossible to fill the tank up.
• For Gasoline for the tractor: Obviously, this requires a separate trip. I have six 5 gallon cans that I’ve had for the last 20 years. We’re out in the country and six is a good number to have. In years past I used about a can a week; now its two. "Don’t fill the gas can in a vehicle: set it on the ground" is the warning on all the pumps. With two hands on a good day, I can almost lift about 2 ½ gallons at best. Invariably there’s a well intentioned fellow at the next pump or behind me in line watching the struggle, looking furtively at the six cans on the ground, and he comes over to chat, really to tell me that the cans hold more than I’m putting in them. Education of the mentally challenged again: "Gas is at its freshest when it is allowed to breathe in the can" I make up, "and the fresher the gas, the better the tractor runs." Another educational maxim that undoubtedly will become the subject later that day with a neighbor.
• For Clothes: Men, the best advice I can give you is to only buy from one salesman, one store, and write down your sizes. That way when it’s time to buy pants, either because I fell down and put a hole on the knee or I need a larger size just so I can button them, I can confidently buy them without trying them on in those impossible rooms at the store. The same goes for a suit: confidently tell the tailor what length the pants should be, and if he insists on making you try them on, find another tailor.
• For Shoes: The best shoes ever made do not have to be tied or polished. Unfortunately, there’s not a dress shoe made that never needs polishing. Thank God for loafers and Sebago Docksides. In spite of what your brain says you can do, you cannot climb up to sit at a shoe shine stand, anywhere.
• For Bus Travel: I went on a planned bus tour last week with the Economic Development Department; there were over 40 people together in a chartered bus. Learn from my experiences on this one. You want to be the first one on, sit by a window, and then be the last one off the bus. Stop drinking an hour before the bus leaves and empty your bladder prior to boarding. Every commercial bus has one of those little steps for the little old ladies; ask the driver to please get it out as that first step is enough to make you not get on the bus.
• For Airplanes: Don’t carry anything on the plane with you. Demand a window seat, and don’t drink anything for the 45 minutes before departure. Take care of business at the terminal before you get on the plane. All of the commercial airlines still seem to allow the handicapped to board the plane first, and that’s a good thing. Let them know that you have a neuromuscular disease and have limitations. If you’re at a window, you don’t have to get up for anyone, and if you’re there first, you don’t have to crawl over someone already seated.
• For Taxicabs: Cab drivers all speak a different language from me, but most of them can see that I need help. Ask to sit in the front seat: most all drivers will let you, even though they object at first. If the driver won’t let you sit up front, dismiss the cab and hail another one. Take it from me; it’s easier to get in a cab than to get out, especially when the cabbie pulls all the way to the curb.
• For Sporting Events and Concerts: Try and pick your aisle seat at the ramp entrance or one row up or down from the entrance when you order the tickets. Be the last one at your seat, but don’t sit down yet as the National Anthem is coming soon. Stand there and wait it out. Then, either at half time at the opera or the game, be the first or the last to head for the men’s room. Whatever you do, don’t try and be the hero and bring back a tray of drinks for the others. No, not even those molded cardboard tray carriers with the cups nestled in the pockets. You’ve paid your dues in years past.
• For Movies: Stadium seating is for the younger generation. If the movie isn’t playing at the older neighborhood theater, it will be just fine in six months on VHS or DVD, and there’s less chance of spilling the popcorn or the drink at home.
• For Change: As part of the bus tour stops were made at some of the growing businesses, with talks by the various officials of their respective companies and institutions. Dr. Ronald Volpe, the President of Hood College, spoke of the academia and changes at that venerable institution, the most dramatic being that this fall men would be admitted to the day college for the first time. Ron came aboard the bus to speak to everyone as did Dr. Jean Pobsic of BP Solar, one of the largest manufacturers of photovoltaic crystalline silicon solar cell panels, who gave a brief explanation of one being able to generate electricity at home and then selling it back to the power company through the grid system. Learn something new every day: technology!
• For Tradition: The next to last stop was at the Frederick Brewing Company’s headquarters where we had to get off the bus again. This time it was worth it, as John Niziolek explained about their unique yeast facility and their 50 barrel small batch beer brewing capabilities. I understood that very well in the tap room. The tradition of the small batch is in the freshness of the beer when you buy it: it hasn’t been sitting in a warehouse for a few months. Smaller is better
• For Advancement of Brain Cells: This Buffalo Theory was first espoused nationally by the famous philosopher Cliff Claven at Cheers: "Well, ‘ya see, Norm, it’s like this…. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted it’s the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, thus making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

A special thanks to every one from Frederick County and the State of Maryland Departments of Economic Development for the great day. Smile and enjoy life with all of the opportunities that come from learning to live with the changes facing us all.

Finally, remember to honor your Plumbers as well as your Philosophers, or your pipes and theories won’t hold water.

John

June 4, 2003