In lieu of flowers, please …..    (April 2004)

Edgar, an unmarried friend of mine who lives with his dad, attended his 45^th high school reunion last week and told me that he walked up to this girl he thought he remembered and said "You look like Helen Brown", to which she retorted immediately "You look like hell in gray". It’s all in the inflection, folks.

He had found out before the reunion that his very wealthy dad had terminal cancer, and had only two weeks to live. He didn’t relish the thought of living alone, so he went to the reunion also to look for a potential mate, and found a widowed classmate whose beauty just took his breath away. A conversation ensued, they reacquainted, and he told her "I’m just an ordinary guy, but in a week or two my father will die and I’ll inherit over six million dollars." They went home together and the next day she became his stepmother.

……Now to the real meat of this piece: learning. I try to learn at least one new thing every day, whether that be from an acquaintance, a meeting, or the newspaper. The following is a compilation of new words learned these last few months:

• DINK – Double Income, No Kids
• SITCOM – Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. A yuppie family when one stops working to stay home with the kids
• SWIPEOUT – An ATM or credit card rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from excessive use
• IRRITAINMENT – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them, like the O.J. trial
• GENERICA – Features of our landscape that are exactly the same anywhere in the country, such as fast food joints at the end of strip malls
• OHNOSECOND – That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a big mistake
• WOOFYS – Well Off Older Folks
• BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible
• MOUSE POTATO – The younger wired generation’s answer to the couch potato; teens who never venture out to play ball or go sledding

We are planning a trip overseas this summer to Ireland. This is something that has been in the works for over two years, and the dates are set: eight of us are going. In preparation we are using the services of my good friend Tony who is an expert American travel agent, nationally known for his golf trips, and is certified by the Irish Travel Board. He has provided us with an itinerary that also includes a driver/guide and has located handicapped accessible B&Bs with first floor rooms for my benefit. We plan to stay in six of them, two nights each, and take trips out each day, ending in Dublin, correctly pronounced as "Doob-leen". We have been reading books and finding out about some of the lesser known Irish traditions like this one, not quite as well known as Saint Patrick.

…..As it turned out, Pat and Mike were hopelessly adrift in a lifeboat after their old burning freighter went down. They went through the few stowed provisions and Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously, and to his amazement a genie did appear and told Pat he could have only one wish. Pat, in true form, blurted out "Turn the ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped, and with a deafening crash the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever tasted by mortals. Only the gentle lapping of the Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. After a long, tension filled moment, Mike disgustedly said "Nice going Pat! Now we have to pee in the boat."

…..Here’s one that we all can relate to: Seamus had been at the pub all night. At closing time he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. Tried again: same result, so he crawled outside to get some fresh air. Again he fell trying to stand, so he crawled the two blocks to home, through the front door, and up the stairs where he tried to stand, got upright, and then fell right into the bed sound asleep. At 8 AM he awoke to his wife shouting over him "So, you’ve been drinking again!" Intent on bluffing his way out, and putting an innocent look on his face, he said, "What makes you say that, Lass?" ……"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

This thing called living can really get complicated by people and events over which one has no control; and generally I like to be in control. Last Friday I was the third car in a four car train wreck accident. My car was totaled 45 miles from home late on a clear, warm afternoon while returning to my home office after working on one of the biggest deals of my life. Within 20 minutes of the first call to Mary, all of the family had spoken to each other and one of my son-in-laws had turned around and was heading toward where I was. All of the rest of them wanted to come and help in any way they could. I have a great family!

Fortunately, no one was hurt. Cars and trucks can be replaced: that’s why God made insurance companies. As the other drivers conversed and went to the side of the road, I finally managed to slowly make it out of the car. I was the last one to emerge because the doors were pinched together kind of like an accordion and I couldn’t push them open. As I slowly walked toward the others, with my cane for assistance, faces blanched and the young man who had hit me in the rear must have thought "lawsuit coming". Now don’t get me wrong, I really could use some serious financial assistance but what’s right and fair is right and fair. I never needed an aspirin.

I have two rubber stamps that graced my desk years ago. They were given to me by my kids who obviously had heard the phrases from me for years. They were evidence that almost everything that comes across a desk can be stamped and filed in either the "No Problem" file or in the "@#$%^&#" file. Life was simpler when I regularly used those stamps; I’m going to get them out tonight and start over with the two pile system and get rid of the 12 file drawers behind me.

I don’t know about the rest of you guys and gals, but I never read the obituaries as a matter of course. In fact, I don’t really like to read them even when I am looking for the specifics that are necessary in order to pay my last respects to the family of a friend.

Two weeks ago I sat at the breakfast table reading the sports page, and the article was continued on page 8. I turned the page and finished reading whatever it was, and then my eye went to the obituary listings on the right hand page and was immediately caught by the length of one of the listings. I don’t remember seeing a listing that long; ever!

Bart was 95 when he died. I never knew him or heard of him until two weeks ago.

Out of idle curiosity I began to read the information that this man’s family had written as an obit testimony, not as an article or a normal listing. Normally obits are anywhere from 1 to 2 &1/2 inches long: this one was 5 inches long.

I don’t know when I have been delighted when reading about someone’s death, but Bart’s life as told by his family was inspirational for me at that moment. He "married a beauty from across the valley", was a man of "spontaneous, raucous laughter", and always "had another rainbow in the making, seeing the bright and good side in everyone and everything". His family of many generations obviously loved him as he loved them. What a remembrance and legacy to leave behind. I need to smile more and learn from Bart that the little things in life are just that: little things.

Your dash, the little – that will be on your stone one day, indicates the entire life you lived between your birth and the last breath you took. What really matters is the –, not either date. What matters is how you live, love, and spend that -, which represents the time spent on earth. Family and friends will know just how well you understood the way other people felt, how much that – was worth, as that – only lasts for a while. I’m almost 62, and my life is about ½ over now: I want to be less quick to judge and get angry, and take more time treat others with respect while smiling more.

Bart’s family really acknowledged his life’s – as they said "Always uppermost in his heart he kept those he loved; all else would take care of itself. That’s how he is remembered. In lieu of flowers, please share a little humor with someone you love."

Enjoy living the life you have been given!

John

4/5/04

John A. Coakley, Sr.

Westminster, MD